Friday, May 18, 2012

sometimes you just gotta say what you wanna say

maintaining a blog is actually quite a job, the same as maintaining a friendship.

yes. you wouldn't always have the time to write in the blog, the same as you are too busy with classes and exams to even stop what you are doing and say hye to your friends.

this mostly apply to friends who live far from you. a some sort of long distance relationship thing.

the thing is, when you are more than 9000 kilometres away, even your time is different. you are asleep when they are awake, you're busy when they're having their leisure time. even, your weekend doesn't fall on the same day. things are hard. the most that we can do is sometimes drop by at their facebook page and say hye and a few catching up then everyone started to get busy again.sometimes you feel lonely, sometimes they feel lonely, but you just can't be on each other's side all the time.

i'm talking friendship here.

amazingly, if its your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/husband/wife is 9000km away from you, SOMEHOW the time is there. at least once a week. but why is it so hard to do it with friends?

i am not blaming it on my friends, i'm blaming it on me. i think i have been 'selfish' this few time. can't find the right word to replace selfish there. self-centered? self-involve? its all about myself. i don't feel like telling anyone how i actually feels inside. what is actually going on in my head. what matters is bothering me, no.. i just couldn't find the courage to open up again.

i think i have a big trust issue here. i just think whatever i say people will judge. and they judge it wrongly.

and not being able to trust anyone here, is not a good friend material. but hey, i love it when my friends are opening up to me, telling me their stories, their sadness their happiness, trust me, i'm all ears :) and i still drop by at their pages saying hi or anything. the part that hurt me is when the respond given is not what i expected. i'm starting to think friends have turn into me, the 'i-don't-want-to-open-up-to-you-just-yet' person. if that is so, how are we going to stay friends? :(

i am sorry i have to be 9000km away from you guys, but believe me that you are all close to me at my heart. i am sorry for not being able to open up, things have been a bit chaos since the last 3 years, i'm still searching for my old-self here. but no matter what happen, i do cherish all my friends, especially the one who has always been there for me. thank you. :)

i miss being under the same cloud with you.

p/s: 2 days before final exam. wish me luck.

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